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The Truth About Fog: a Story

One of the characteristic features of the stuff is that it never comes indoors. Have you ever noticed that? You can open your front door, stick your arm out, and have it fade to invisibility before the wrist, but close the door again and inside your house everything is normal.

Surely you didn’t think this was a natural phenomenon?

Think carefully about what describes fog: silence. Obscurity. It hates and is destroyed by sunlight. It never comes inside uninvited.

Bonus fact, this one relatively unknown: its first appearance was in Transylvania. Are you starting to put the pieces together yet?

Let me digress a little bit, and tell you some facts about vampires. I’m sure you already know all this, but it is important to have the facts fresh in your mind. Vampires are nearly impossible to kill. Vampires reproduce by sucking the blood of a virgin. This process, that of forming a new vampire, takes weeks, and only succeeds if the newly undead is buried in a religious funeral. Vampires know this and intentionally leave potential progeny where they’ll be found by the living.

Did you know that vampires are an accidental byproduct of the very first experiments in ceremonial burial? That’s right, it was evolving protohumanity’s own first attempts to pay respect to the dead which created these abominations. But I digress.

There is one more fact about vampires that it is very important to know. It was this discovery by the good Dr. van Helsing that allowed him to perpetrate humanity’s most successful xenocide. If a vampire does not return to its coffin each day before dawn, or at least to a coffin containing a sample of the soil in which it was originally buried, it dissipates.

Popular dramatizations to the contrary, Dr. van Helsing’s weapon was never the wooden stake or the silver bullet. Quite the contrary: his only weapons were the sledgehammer, fast parcel post, and part ownership of a fertilizer company. He never attacked the vampires themselves; to do so would have been suicidal. Instead, he destroyed their coffins, and mixed their burial soil with vast quantities of night soil.

Of course the vampires aren’t dead! He never actually killed any of them, he just orchestrated a series of  attacks which prevented any of them from ever regaining corporeal form. If you go through his notes and start looking at the scale, the logistical effort he went through to ensure that none of the remaining vampires ever suspected that they were in the midst of being exterminated, you start to get the measure of this great man.

After all, it’s not like fog has any power to communicate.

All it can do is resent.

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